Arthur (Another Self Reflection)
March 29th, 2005 - 10:04 am
On my way to school this morning I met three people I haven’t met before. The first two were bus drivers that were really relaxed and open people. They just chatted with me like I was a good friend of theirs even though we had just met. I took it all in stride and was really happy to talk with them, but somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered how they did it. How do people like that feel so comfortable with people they don’t know? Needless to say, I feel jealous.
I get off the bus and start walking over to my office when I pass Arthur, this tall black guy who has huge dreads that he always keeps wrapped up in a cool oversized knit hat that changes colors daily. Arthur is one of the guys whom should get all the credit for Vandy looking as good as it does. He takes care of the lawns and mows the grass. I nodded at him in my typical “I want to acknowledge your presence but I’m scared to say anything way” as I walked by. Thinking about the other two guys I talked to, I turned back to talk to him. I remembered seeing him at a lecture about Taco Bell’s abuses to Mexican immigrants and figured I’d tell him that Taco Bell gave into their demands recently according to Dan.
Just like the other two, I could immediately tell that this guy was totally happy with life and comfortable with people. He told me that he loves his job, even though the rate of pay is so low, he loves meeting all the diverse and interesting students. He reiterated how much he loved his job a few times, and without the slightest hint of sarcasm. This guy was genuine. He loves being outside, meeting interesting people, and just living life. As we talked, he would interrupt to say hello to people as they walked by. Sometimes the people would say hello back, and others would keep walking as if they didn’t hear him. This did not even phase him. We chatted for only a few minutes, but I was still impressed by his general persona.
These three brief encounters, are now going to force me to once again do some self inspection. Why am I not content like they are? What is it about me that makes my typical operating state to be generally distrustful and/or afraid of people I don’t know? While I am happy with the things that I’ve done in life, I still don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like the level of contentness that was obviously oozing from Arthur.
I think there is a lesson to be learned here. I need to learn to be more content with life. I don’t think that ambition needs to interfere with this goal, I think they can easily co-exist. I also need to learn to be more open and less afraid. Why can’t I just say hello to someone walking down the street who I don’t know without feeling scared/embarrassed/ashamed? Why can’t I talk very naturally and candidly about my life with people I have just met? Why must I keep to very superficial things? I should learn to trust more. I think it would make me a better person.
Man, I sure do have issues, don’t I?
Ok, I am now firmly convinced that you have mild GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). That’s my PROFESSIONAL opinion, LOL. Seriously though, I have the EXACT same feelings. It’s so hard to talk to knew people. It makes me a little nervous in the pit of my stomach (or in the back of your head).
And yet when I went to MI, weekend before last, I talked to a ton of new people, and thought, “this is weird, how am I doing this, I’m actually *gasp* talking to strangers”. And then last weekend, at the dog park I kept asking strangers about their dogs. Not, just waiting for them to start a conversation, but becoming interested in X dog, finding X dog’s owner, and then initiating conversation about X dog. And again, I was all “did I just do THAT?”. So I think either the meds, or the relaxation, stress reduction techniques are really helping.
I think that this could also be the answer to your percieved lack of confidence. I think that the mild anxious feeling may hold you back. Think about it.
You don’t have any more problems than I do, or anyone else for that matter.
I know what you mean: why can’t we just be happy with what we have? Why is there this constant feeling of unfulfillment and anxiety, as if nothing that we do is enough. It is fear from doing what we really like? Is it that we haven’t quite found what we like? Or do we just not believe in ourselves, despite our good outward/inward self esteem.
Sometimes it helps me to just keep telling myself what those things are that I constantly enjoy and trive to remain a part of. I know people get annoyed at me for always wanting to stay home with Saedie when Jeff’s gone — I know it causes them to think I’m solitary and simply not fun. But I like staying here with Saeds, even when she’s sleeping.
I’m going to try to get a day off later this week — wanna go out for coffee?
>I am now firmly convinced that you have mild GAD
Yeah, you are probably right. But then, don’t most people feel that way?
> It’s so hard to talk to knew people.
Heh.. “knew people”
>So I think either the meds, or the relaxation, stress reduction techniques are really helping.
Me no like drugs. Me no take drugs. Relaxation I could probably learn to do better though.
>I think that the mild anxious feeling may hold you back.
Oh yeah, no doubt about that.
>I know what you mean: why can’t we just be happy with what we have?
Yeah.. there is always something missing. For me it’s the fact that Barbara’s and my professional lives keep fucking everything up. I think if I could just finally be with her, things would work out. That and the 9 million other obstacles I feel like there are between us and the prize.
>I like staying here with Saeds, even when she’s sleeping.
I think that is outstanding. If you enjoy it, then that is great. Forget what everyone else thinks. You are pursuing your happiness and that’s what really matters. I feel like I’m trying to pursue my happiness, but its like every-time I take a step, it gets two step further away.
You guys rock. Thanks for being there for me.